A Career Path

I have finally found my chosen career. Law enforcement...

T told me about a year ago that I should join law enforcement. She said that I would like it because it would quite an active job. Also, wouldnt get bored. Being closed minded I said no. however I did try becaus I had no job. I did not pass the test, even though by a few points, I gave up.

Now I have been thinking about it for a few months, and doing further reasurch, I got hooked. What also helped were the people I work at. They are all reitired police officers of different kinds. It turns out it is what T had said it would be. Plus, I would have great benifits and pay.

Unfortunally, at this time, departments are not sposoring people for their academy. This would have me get paid to learn and have uniforms and equimpment provided for me. So I have to "sponsor" myself to go throught the academy, meaning I have to pay for everything. This is good howeverm, it would make me look good as a dedicate and deteminded individual.

I am taking the Public Safty Academy (PSA) at the College of the Desert (COD). It is going to cost me quite a bit of money, but I will make it thoough one way or another.

I initally wanted to become a graphic designer, but I want to keep it as a hobby of part time gig, just for fun. Though, I will still try for the degree, but being a police officer is my main objective...

A Place to Return to...

I just recently finished watching a series of anime shows. These particular episodes had a certain plot to bind them together. Well, there were other things going on as well, but one caught my attention. The main charater had told this little boy something. This boy had ran away because he was bullied by a gang partly run by his adopted gardian. He said to this boy, "As long as someone is always thinking of you, you will always have a place to return to." Which was meant that he could go to be with that someone, even to be by his/her side.

When I wwtched these shows, three people came into mind, my two sons and thier mother. Even though we are now "officially" divorced, as of today, I still think of her. I atcually still love her as much as my two boys.

I have told her several times that if she needs something or even just someone to talk to I will be here for them. Whether she actually does it or not is up to her. She now has J, so for the time being, I may not be needed.

Never the less... I am always thinking of all three of them. And so, they all will always have a place to return to...

This guy named "J"

Now, I have not reason to not like this guys. Wait, now that I think of it... I do. To start off he is my oldest son's biological father (aka, sperm donor). Well, when I met T, she was pregnant by him. However, once she had told him that she was pregnant he started avoiding her. Okay, he was in the Army, stationed somewhere out of state and she was here in the valley. He would come back to the valley to visit he would not tell her that he was in town. How she would find out that he had come down, was comments from friends on his Myspace page. Why would some one do that? You have sex with someone, get her pregnant, then ignore her. There is A LOT of guys that do that, and it just pisses me off. If you don't want a child, you don't love the woman, or "afraid" or whatever your excuse is, JUST SAY IT!!!

I asked her, how could you go back to someone who ignored you, especially when you needed him the most? Her excuse for him was that "he did not know better." I am sorry but COME ON!!! How can you "not know better?" All through childhood and especially the teen years, like high school, people tell you about that kind of stuff. So how does someone... never mind. Then as soon as he knew that T and I were married he started to try to get her back. Fortunately, she is a faithful woman to be with.

Now, I am just blowing off steam, because this was my biggest fear when I got with her in the beginning. And now it has come to reality. I can't control her and she already knows how I feel. I still do love her but my only concern is now just my two boys. My Biggest concern in my first son (c1). He calls me Daddy. I have been there before he was born. I don't want him to try to have C1 call him Daddy. Maybe if, J's relationship with T lasts long enough and C1 decides to call him dad on his own, that's fine. This would be his choice.

This is all I have on this "article." My point is that I have seen people force a new parent to the child and the kid gets confused. Now, there probably be confusion on this situation, but that will later be explained when the time is right. And, I am trying not to be negitive twards him, he may actually be a good guy. I dont hate him, I do not even know him, just what T tells me. I guess am just jelous or evious...

Birthday

My mother today said happy birthday to me... but it was on the 9th. She said that she did not for get, it is just that it is hard to contact me. Every one knows that if I am not at my grandparents house or at work (oh yeah, I finally have a job, yay!) I am at the boys house and the all have T's (the boys mom)cell number. And my grandparents said that the were the first ones to say, "happy birthday." LOL I didn't hear it.

Now, I am not upset or anything. I am actually used to it, but here is the kicker... T said, "Happy Birthday" as soon as I got to work and told everyone. Bought me breakfast, invited me to go over to the house, C1 said, "Happy Birthday" when I walked in. T's mom made me cake. T made a special dinner the next day and gave me a cell phone.

I am not complaining or anything, actually I am quite grateful!

I am done!

No more crying, moping, or just being all "Emo" (without the whole wanting to die crap) and what not. I know it is not healthy but I still wanted to hold on. All I have been doing is wishing and wanting. A few weeks ago I posted a blog on Myspace, "SCREW THIS!!! THINGS ARE GOING TO CHANGE!!!" This blog basically was stating that I am going to get my shit back together, do what I need to do and achieve my goals. But mostly about what I had written in the first sentence of this post. However, still holding on to the face that I was determined that I was going to get her and my family back.

Now, here is where I am confused with my thinking... I still want to be with her, I still love here very much. But sometimes when she makes jokes, sometimes it goes too far and it ends up upsetting me. Yet, I take it and say nothing. Partly because that is my nature. When people "make fun" of me, I let it pass and it usually doesn't bother me. The other part is because how I still feel about her and anything negatively harsh that she says, hurts.

My other dilemma is interest in another. It is pretty hypocritical of me still feeling the way I do for her. Yet, I an curious about someone else. What makes it more difficult is that I don't really know who this person really is. All I know is what T had shown me on Myspace, and that was not much either. There are two points to this subject: 1) T is back with MY first son's biological father. I had a feeling this was going to happen and had a feeling that it happened a couple if weeks before she told me. Apparently she was going to tell me later, but I guess I pried it out out of her. This for some reason made me back off from here quite a bit. 2) T was showing me her Myspace page, because I was looking at different peoples' art and she said to check "S" out. Though I could not see here profile, T had to show me through her's. Anyway, the point to #2, is when we were looking at her page she said, "She is hot, huh?" I said, "Yeah, she is." Now she had mentioned that she was thinking of "hooking us up." I took it as a joke, but then like always I started thinking... and getting curious. I then I asked her if she meant it or if it was a joke. She meant it. Now, I started to think... is trying to get me off her back or just saw my interest. The funny thing is that I don't really think of that too often.

Well, lol... I believe that's ALL I have to say right now. I haven't written since April 11. A lot has gone on. I have a job, FINALLY. Thanks to T (I work with her, lol). If it wasn't for her working there, would not have found out about the job. Also, instead of using this blog as a one big sob story, I am going to use it as like research and analysis of my situation(s), amongst other things. Screw this "EMO" shit! lol

Yeah...okay... I am done know.

Late

Spies

In a broken relationship, most people who I have talked to had a friend or close family member to spy on the other. For what purpose do they do this? It is no longer their business. Also, once they see what it is they are looking for, they end up hurt or enraged. Why go through this self-torture? I am only human, but I do my best to stay away from this.

I don't want spies looking at T, for the reason that I know I will hear something that I do not want to hear. The first was my cousin, she was looking at T's MySpace page and then text me what T had post on someone else's page. It was, "I miss you so much. :*" I know what I says because, well I am human, I looked at the other person's MySpace page. I went a couple of days trying to not look at it, but I caved in. The day my cousin text me and told me what T said, I told her that I do not want to hear or know what she is doing. The reason wasn't because I didn't care, I did, it just hurt too much to know.

Now last night, a former co-worker of mine text me out of the blue asking if T and I were together again. I said no. He then replied that he saw her "Kissing up some need" (I think he meant to say nerd...) I told him, "Yeah, that's R." Then the conversation ended there.

Here is my point. I do not want to know what T is doing. I do wonder of it a lot, but I rather think it may happen, instead of knowing it actually happened.

In another note... invasion of privates. Again, some looks in their ex's belongings, searching for remnants or hints to anther person. That is disrespectful, even if that person is thought to be cheating, If that is the case, ask and if it persists, break up. This sounds easy but it is not. But back to my point... I spend a lot of time at T's house, because of my two boys. It seems too easy to "snoop" around, but I don't. It is not my business and it is not my stuff. She tends to leave things out, now whether it is intentional or not, I don't know. The other thing is that I do not want to see what I do not want to know.

And something else, it sometime seems like she leave thing out on purpose. To see if I will look. Don't get me wrong, I am curious, but I wont look. As it is, I swear that she may have a recorder or something in her rooms. But regardless, I will not snoop in someone else's business, and I do not want spies. What she does is her business, not mine. And if I want to know something, we are still close enough where I can ask HER and let her tell me or not.

Going Out

A couple of days ago, lets call her T. T asked me if I could ask the boys this Saturday, today. I said, "I guess, why?" I knew she wanted to go out somewhere with B, her boyfriend. She wanted to go to Universal Studios. The thing that sucks is that she went already, not with B but with someone else, my point is that I always wanted to take her there. At the time she had not been there, then the next thing I know, she had gone. That hurt.

Now, she asked it she could watch the boys this Saturday. In reality, I didn't want to. Not that I didn't want to watch the boys, but to let her go with B. But I said that I would. Later, she said something like, I am not mad or upset, but you know when we went to the divorce court and it said not to ask what I am going to be doing?" I replied, "Yeah." She said, "Then, why did I ask?" I told her that I didn't really want her to go.

A while later I asked, through text message, if that mentioning the divorce thing was her subtle was of saying "mind your own business"? She replied by saying that she does not understand why I ask. It is not my business. She doesn't mind telling me, it is just that i get upset. That's true I do tend to get unset. Told her that I guess what it is that I don't feel right going out, but she does and I was not trying to be nosy. She had nothing really to say that, because I wasn't doesn't mean that she shouldn't. which is true. I then said that i guess I was just trying to adjust to the situation.

But after saying that I wasn't too upset anymore...

The Story...

Now, before I continue will all my thoughts, it can be noticed what this blog is going to be used for. The titles, "Letters to Her...", The Ring on My Necklace", and "Guess Who Read This Blog..." are pretty big hints. So I will explain my situation.

Three years ago I met a beautiful woman that work in the same company as I did, but at a different location. From time to time I would go to the store where she work to help them out. Unfortunately, I vaguely remember the first time we met. I wasn't looking for a relationship or much less friends. I was there to work and get paid. At the time I lived with my cousin and her daughter. I helped her get a job where the beautiful woman worked. However, I had already met this person but didn't really care, again I was there to work. At the time she was only another employee.

My cousin told me that there was a girl worked there and thought I was attractive. So, I thought, "Oh, cool." Not really caring. My cousin invited her over to our apartment on night. She warned me that she was pregnant.

When she came over, I tried to be keep cool. She had just come from work but didn't want to go home. Her and her Mom were having a big argument that week, so she wasn't eager to home. She was very pretty, hair was in a pony tail and had a flower holding it up. It was an artificial flower made into a hair band. She wore light make up, as in not vary much. And she was pregnant, I guess I didn't notice the first couple of intros. As we talked, I got more interested. I was already attracted by her looks, overlooking her pregnancy. She had a "happy-go-lucky" and down to earth personality. I was hooked... She was just being herself, not trying to impress me, at least that's what I think. I am guessing because she was pregnant and not looking for a relationship either.

We were "watching" a movie called Napoleon Dynamite, lame movie. We were mostly talking, then I got some courage. I asked if I could kiss her. She then said, " If you pronounce my name right, you can." The pronunciation of her name was similar to a co-worker from my store. But I took a second chance and said her name correctly. Then we kissed.

We got together on Friday the 13th of January 2006. Fast forwarding several months, her son was already born, he became my son and I became his Daddy. We Married Friday the 13, of October 2006. A year later we had another son. Our first son was born on February 4th, 2006 (02-04-06). Our second son was born on October 15th, 2007 (10-15-07).

In the middle of August of 2008, we had an argument, well I was just being irrational. I was yelling and just being a real jerk about a bottle of raw garnet stones I split and blamed her for. She said "If you are going to be like this then leave." Being that I was furious I said, "Fine since that is was you want. Being that you threaten to divorce me every time we argue..." I got mad and lashed out several times before. So I got a few things an moved out. Two days latter I called her back crying, asking her to forgive me and for me to come back. She said, "Yes." But everything felt different, I was afraid to kiss her or hold her hand. At the same time, she would sit away from me and every time I got the courage to even touch her, she would motion away. A week later, I wrote her a letter asking if she still loved me. That night we decided to separate.

At first I took it really hard, crying and having no control of my emotions. It is still hard, she seems to already moved on. she is on her second relationship, and it seems to really like this guy. I had dated a couple of people, but none of it felt right.

I still love her vary much and will do anything to have her back. Well i wont kill anyone or do something that would have her hate me for any reason. But, the reason for this blog is just to help get my feelings out. There is a lot I am going to write about, and most people's reaction to what I write are: get over it or her, or say no to her.

Guess Who Read This Blog...

Yup... My ex-wife read this blog. It is sort of funny that she read it couple of days after I said if she were to read it, then it was meant to be. I probably should have specified when ( lol ). I guess I expected that she would read this months from know. It was my fault however. I did not log out of the blog and when she asked to use my laptop, I had forgotten. She used my laptop because hers broke.

How I found out that she had probably read it? I fell asleep on the couch when she was using it, on the couch. When I woke up she was in bed and the lights in the house were out, except my computer. I noticed that my blog profile was up. I then sent her a text message asking her if she read my blog. She responded with, "you didn't tell me you had one." Reading that I wasn't sure if it upset her. I messaged back, Was I supposed to? It started as an English assignment." She replied, "Ah." Now, I figured that she was upset about something, so I asked, "Are you upset?" She said, "I am in a bad mood. Not your fault. I just want to go to sleep." I then when to her room, to see what was wrong. But she said, "I don't want to talk about it. I just want to sleep." So, I left the room, and messaged her, "Sweet dreams." In the morning she told me what happened.

Okay... I had a little tangent there. Back to the main point of this Post. I am not sure if she just read my blog just this one time or will check on it from time to time. However, it does not bother me if she does. This is just my way of getting my feelings out.

The Ring on My Necklace

Through out the day today, while looking for a job, people have ask why do I have ring on my necklace. This is the story behind it...

The ring is my wedding band. When my ex-wife and I had decided to split up, I continued to wear it on my finger. Though we decided to break up, I did not want to. I agreed to separate because we did not want end up like most people, constantly at each others throat at stupid things. We pretty much stopped before it had a chance to get to that point. But anyway, we started seeing other people and decided to get a divorce. Long story sort, being that I still love here vary much, I put my wedding band on my necklace.

Letters to Her...

"Letters to Her" is a series of letters I wrote/write to my ex-wife, but not sent. The purpose is to give me an "out". Things I would like to ask or tell her. I don't because I do not want to become annoying. I have seen people pour out their hearts over and over again, and the other gets over whelmed. I currently have a good relationship with her and, for now I want to keep it that way. Plenty of people have told me to let go, but I have my own beliefs.

Perhaps one of these days she will read these letters, but for now I will not show them to her. But at the same time, if she some how finds it would be time for her to see them.

Jobs

I really need a job...

I have been looking for weeks for some work. Pretty much everyone is on a hiring freeze. This is really lame. It is frustrating that businesses will say that the are accepting applications, but that doesn't mean that the are hiring. I was told that it is against the law that for a business to not accept an application. With having to pay child support, insurance, phone bill, and the want to help my in-laws with their bills, it is killing me.

I was fired from my last job. I was technically framed. The previous manager was transferred and demoted. So one day he came to the store which i worked and took some items, on my shift, while I was on my lunch. The new manager, being that I was working that day assumed that I took the items. Needless to say that they fired me on assumption.

I had a few interviews, but no luck. I usually do well in interviews. I don't know whats going on. If anyone knows of a place that is hiring full-time and willing to work with a school schedule, let me know. Heck, I will even settle for part-time.

My Rodeo (SUV)

For the past two week, my '96 Rodeo has been over heating. First, I though all I needed was more coolant, but it didn't fix the problem. I then asked my grandfather, he said it could be the thermostat. It work fine for almost a week. I was on my way to my English class last Saturday from my in-laws house... and it started to over heating again. There it stayed for almost another week, until I figured it out.

I my friend suggested to check the fuse. We had the same problem with her previous car, a Kia Rio. She called her friends dad and ask him what it could be. He said to check to see if the fuse had burned out. We looked and sure enough it was the problem. So we checked the fuse on my SUV and it was fine.

After the fuse, we checked the relay and it was not it. Then, we checked the fan, that wasn't it. Then it was suggested that it could be the water pump... By this time I was really upset because i couldn't drive it. I had two cars in the past and the both blew up because I drove them knowing that they had problems. I did not need this one to do the same.

It turned out that it did not have enough coolant in system. When you add coolant to the radiator you have to let the engine run for a while so the coolant can circulate thought the engine. As it runs, slowly pour more coolant to fill the entire system.

As it stands now, every thing is fine and works great. Next on the list is an oil change and brakes.

This is English 51

Yup... This blog was assigned from my English class in College, College of the Desert. I am guessing I am supposed to post our assignments up on here, but it will be used for other stuff...